Last Friday, with encouragement from my friend Cindy, I went on a solo hike. Afterwards I told Cindy I planned to make every Friday an adventure. Then I thought, “Well, not every Friday.”

So, what new adventure shall I partake in this week?

Cycling!

Since high school I’ve always been too heavy to feel comfortable on a bike. Now, with a transformed body, I’m ready to try it out.

The following is an accurate accounting of my first cycling experience since…puberty, as told by my inner voice, talking to myself.

27.5” Huffy Parkside Men’s City Bike, Black

But, you don’t have a bike.

I’ll buy one. How expensive can they be?

But, you don’t have any money.

That’s why God invented credit cards.

But David Ramsey said you need to…

God told me to do this.

Oh. He did, did He?

Sure.

Well, Dave Ramsey…

David Ramsey should try losing 200 pounds. Then he can lecture me about buying bicycles.

Hmmm

Okay, here are the bikes.

Ooh. I like this one.

Is that a girl’s bike?

I don’t know. How can you tell?

How would I know? I’m you.

How do you get them down?

Ask for help.

Right.

– Fifteen minutes later…

Me: I think I want this one.

Associate: Okay, hold this, I’ll get it out.

Me: So, I get this one, it doesn’t come in a box?

Associate: Unless you want to put it together yourself.

Me: No, that’s cool.

Associate:

Me: There’s no air in the tire.

Associate: Pumps are over there. By the helmets.

Me: Helmets…right.

You can’t afford all this.

Discover says I can.

You are about to discover financial hardship.

Shut up.

You can’t afford both a helmet and a pump.

Helmet shelmet. I’m just getting the pump.

You’re an idiot.

– Thirty minutes later…

Okay, how do I get this home?

I guess you’ll have to stuff it in your car.

Alright. There. Hmmm. The hatch won’t close. It’s not far. I’ll take neighborhood streets.

– Thirty minutes, two miles and three car scratches later…

I’m gonna kill her!

Who?

You know who!

She said nothing about cycling.

She started this! Look at my car!

She certainly said nothing about not asking for help from someone with a pickup.

Shut up! Now. How does the pump thing work?

Just stick the nozzle on the thing and pump.

What do I do with the needles?

I don’t know! I’m you!

Right. I’ll try it without the needles.

Oh man! I’m exhausted. Pumping took everything out of me.

Get on the bike.

I’m exhausted.

Get on the bike.

But what if I fall?

Get on the bike!

I don’t have a helmet.

Get on the bike!

Alright! Hmmm. Maybe I should just scoot around for a while with my feet on the ground.

Feet on the pedals.

But the sign said I should check the brakes first.

Feet on the pedals.

This steering thingy isn’t straight.

Feet on the pedals.

But I don’t know what these gears are for.

Feet on the pedals!

Okay!

Hey! This is fun!

See! I told you!

It’s just like riding a…

Do not finish that sentence!

That guy is looking at me funny.

That’s because you have your arm stuck out like a scarecrow.

I’m signaling. I’m about to turn right.

I don’t think he knows that.

Umm. The brakes don’t work.

Sure they do. Just squeeze the thingy.

It’s not working!

Slow steer!

I don’t know what that means!

– Thirty minutes later

Hey Cindy! Guess what I did!

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. – Psalm 118:24